the mango village; /\/\e|

some people has got phobias,
some people has got a sense of regret when stuff happened,
some people has got a weird fetish towards certain stuff.

for me, i got a fucking big sense of regret when i couldn't catch what someone said.
not just anyone, not tom, dick nor harry.
only my loved ones. those whom i love and care much.

it started when i was really young,
a beautiful glass bottle keychain that contains some sands and small stones dropped off my bag and it shattered to pieces right beside me.
my mum saw it, and quickly came to tell me it's alright and we can always buy another one.
looking away, i saw a cosmetic shop that had many lipsticks in a basket.
i stared at it as it intrigues me so so so much.

i just kept turning towards that direction while my mum tries to pacify me.
i kept my mouth shut and just stared. HOPING that she will get it and see where i was seeing.

she did not, got angry and the whole pacify thing stopped and she got angry because she thought i was being a spoilt child who is throwing a tantrun because of a keychain.
right there i felt so wronged and maligned. regretfulness.

***
another incident, where my mum had to rush to leave the house when i was little, she said something in response to what i said. I couldnt hear it and asked for a repeat. i think it seemed so unimportant to her that she just refuses to repeat.
but to me, it was really important and it tortured me to be standing there pleading for a repeat.

that kinda feeling of being so close to something that i MIGHT have heard and NOT being able to hear it is horrible. plain horrible.

it has been with me since young. all these years.
but thank God it is only towards loved ones.
if it is towards everyone, then i will be tortured daily.

it's okay if you don't understand how it feels
but just don't torture me.

MEL

sneezed and yawned at same time at
3:38 PM